Why You Should Have Never Had Kids (If You Want To Be Happy, That Is)
Update September 2019: Wow. It’s been two years since I published this post and the comments are still pouring in.
Reading these comments will teach you more about human nature than the article will because of the strength of human biases (especially cognitive dissonance reduction and confirmation bias) that is being portrayed.
Please read the article before leaving a comment. Thanks
Do you think having children makes you happier?
If so, think again.
Research shows (over and over again) that having children reduces happiness (e.g. Anderson, Russel, & Schumm, 1983 or Campbell, 1981), even though parents think it will make them happier.
This phenomenon is known as “The Parenthood Paradox” or “Parenthood Gap“.
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Why don’t children make parents happier?
One of the dominant explanations for this is that children increase the amount and level of a variety of stressors that parents are exposed to (Glass, J., Simon R.W., Andersson M.A., 2016,), such as:
- time demands
- energy demands
- sleep deprivation (potentially starting a vicious circle)
- work-life balance disturbances
- financial burden
It goes without saying that all of these stressors apply even more to the lives of single parents. This is why single parents report the lowest levels of well-being compared to married or unmarried couples who are living together.
To make matters worse, people generally become less satisfied with their marriage when they have children (making the attempt to fix a marriage by having children even more ironic).
Research shows the disadvantages of parenthood to be the strongest in the United States. We’ll talk more about this in a bit.
When parents are at their happiest
In his seminal work “Meanings of Life“, Roy Baumeister tells us that there are two happiness peaks in the lives of adults in America, namely:
- between the wedding and the birth of the first child
- between the departure of the last child from home and the death of one’s spouse
So if you’re looking at children from the perspective of personal happiness, the phases of the married life without children are the happiest periods. Yet another argument against having children for the sake of personal happiness (what’s the score, 3 to 0 for not having children now?).
The good news
I can hear you thinking… but there’s got to be an explanation for why we’re making children, right? Otherwise, we would never have gotten this far as a species!?
Right.
And there is.
Because as emotionally taxing as having children may be, it has also proven to be a great source – if not the most powerful source – of life satisfaction, self-esteem and meaning, especially for women (Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., Moum, T., 2009), even though men are a lot more likely to view childlessness as disadvantageous (Blake, J., 1979,).
This is true even, or even more so, during tough times and is illustrative of the fact that cognitive evaluation (what you think) and emotions (what you feel) are not on the same continuum.
I.e. we can value something and find it meaningful even if it detracts from our happiness in the moment.
In the words of Baumeister:
“Sometimes the quest for meaning can override the quest for happiness.”
But wait a minute.
That sounds familiar…
Would you plug in?
Do you remember Robert Nozick’s thought experiment of the Experience Machine?
He asked people to imagine a machine that would provide them with only pleasant experiences as soon as their brain was hooked onto it. Let’s say it’s a machine triggering dopaminergic and endorphinergic activity in the brain without building habituation or tolerance and without side-effects.
Would you choose to be hooked onto that machine?
Most people said “no” even though, rationally speaking, it would make sense to do so. That is, if your goal is to maximise happiness for yourself, which is the case for hedonists and certain types of utilitarians.
Like one of my favorite writers Tim Urban (n.d.) remarks:
“In the end, I think I probably would skip the machine. And that’s probably a dumb choice.”
This brings us back to the Parenthood Paradox.
A possible explanation for why the negative impact of having children on personal happiness is the highest in the United States might be its extreme focus on personal happiness (and hedonistic values).
There I said it.
The Parenthood Gap exists because of unrealistic expectations and desires regarding personal happiness.
And research is indeed pointing in the direction that the more individualistic a society is, the greater the Parenthood Paradox is (the level of financial support from the government being another important factor).
All this leads us to the real paradox…
The real paradox is not the Parenthood Paradox, but why people seemingly strive for personal happiness even though they would choose meaning and/or life satisfaction (subjective evaluation of one’s life as a whole) over personal happiness when push comes to shove.
It goes to show that, once again, we not only suck at predicting what will make us happy (as explained in Dan Gilbert’s “Stumbling on Happiness“), but also at valuing our personal happiness compared to other things, such as meaning in life.
And besides… happiness is so fragile.
Happiness fades with the first punch that life throws at you.
The solution
The solution is to avoid falling prey to the illusion that happiness results from meeting your ideal version of life.
Rather than holding on to an image of what a happy life should look like and comparing it to your current life, you can allow life to unfold with unexpected moments of happiness.
Having children will not make you happier, nor does not having children.
It is not what life offers, but what we believe that life should offer that prevents us from experiencing happiness.
So let go of your expectations and lower the importance of your personal happiness. Thereby you will lower the stress you experience from not being as happy as you think you should be.
In his book “If You Are So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy“, my friend Raj Raghunathan remarks:
“Because when one pursues happiness, one is likely to compare how one feels with how one would ideally like to feel, and since we generally want to feel happier than we currently do, we are likely to feel unhappy about being unhappy if we pursue happiness!”
This, Raj. This.
And not only do we feel unhappy about being unhappy, we can start to feel even more unhappy because we don’t know why we aren’t happy, especially if we have all the reasons to be happy.
But that’s a song for another time.
Please enjoy your parental unhappiness, for you have all the reasons to.
Best,
Seph
We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our five positive psychology tools for free.
- Anderson, S. A., Russel, C. S., & Schumm, W. R. (1983). Perceived marital quality and family life-cycle categories: A further analysis. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45, 127-139.
- Baumeister, R. (1991). Meanings of life. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
- Blake, J. (1979). Is zero preferred? American attitudes toward childlessness in the 1970s. Journal of Marriage and Family, 41(2), 245-257.
- Gilbert, D. (2006). Stumbling on happiness. New York, NY: Vintage.
- Glass, J., Simon, R. W., & Andersson, M. A. (2016). Parenthood and happiness: Effects of work-family reconciliation policies in 22 OECD countries. American Journal of Sociology, 122(3), 886-929.
- Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., & Moum, T. (2009). Childlessness and psychological well-being in midlife and old age: An examination of parental status effects across a range of outcomes. Social Indicators Research, 94(2), 343-362.
- Nozick, R. (1974). Anarchy, state, and utopia. New York, NY: Basic Books.
- Raghunathan, R. (2016). If you’re so smart why aren’t you happy: How to turn career success into life success. London, UK: Vermilion.
- Urban, T. (n.d.). The experience machine thought experiment. Retrieved from https://waitbutwhy.com/table/the-experience-machine
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What our readers think
Hmm maybe it was the kid I babysat at age 15 who screamed bloody murder all day that made me not want kids god that could have been it. Or the other kid I babysat who cried for her mother all the time. I did babysit good kids I adored as well.
I felt like having kids was the be all and end all, as a young woman that’s allllll I ever heard about, and I’m like “really?” That’s allll I’m supposed to do with my life? Get married and pop out some kids? Did you people meet the kid who screamed bloody murder all day when I babysat??
I think I thought there was some kool-aid that everyone was drinking and it didn’t seem to have an effect on me. So I put it off, got engaged a couple times but the guys wanted kids and I was like “Who? What? From my body??” Naaa I’m not into being an incubator and then a ton of pain and gushing blood to have a kid who might just scream bloody murder all day!!
Eventually it got down to my last few years of fertility, another guy who wanted to get married and have kids and this was it!!! Decide NOW or forever hold your peace!!
All the things that people had told me to scare or shame me into having kids started running through my mind… Who will take care of you when you are old? You will regret it if you don’t have kids!! You owe me grandkids!! why don’t you have kids, how will I answer that as up to now I’ve just used the I’m not ready excuse…. Etc etc etc.
I thought, this seems like a LOT of social pressure to do something everyone seems to think I should do, just because I’m a woman. I decided that just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I HAVE to procreate. Everyone will just have to get over it!!! The boyfriend didn’t feel the same way and I was dumped for a third time for choosing not to have kids, which I expected based on previous experience.
Do I regret it? No, not at all! Do I worry about who will take care of me when I get old? No, I’m pretty good at taking care of myself and keep healthy and I guess if it comes down to it, I’ll just end it myself. Did my parents get over it, yes, in some way, they don’t talk about it, I mean I’m in my early 50’s so kind of an adult who can make my own life decisions. Which was true all along but really not widely accepted. No one EVER said to me, as a woman, it’s ok not to have kids…. But it is. I have a happy full life, do what I want to do, and I don’t feel like I’m missing something.
I feel like we all have to express our hate towards people who try to teach us “what to like” and “what are we missing in our life”. We might not hate all the children, but we do hate the people who trying to tell us that we are wrong by not having them.
Do whatever makes you happy.
No regrets, even at 65. My life is full enough with people I love and who love me. Instead of spending holidays entertaining ( siblings, parents gone) we plan our own entertainment. Take a favorite walk, visit a new place, lounge, its up to us. There were so many things I enjoyed because I didnt have children and things I missed. For me, the former out weighed the latter.
People who don’t want children are people who can’t love anything more than they love themselves. It’s a harsh truth u must accept, just like having children is rough is a harsh truth to accept. But you will never love anything like you love ur child and if u don’t have one, ur missing out on that. It’s the truth. Deal with it.
Absolute garbage. I can tell from that one comment I’d beat you in an arm wrestle in two seconds flat.
Dead wrong. You can still be a passionate person and love your friends and family, pets, community. You realize some people can’t medically have kids right…..are you grouping all these people as people that can’t love themselves. We all should be careful with generalization but honestly I could care less if you expand your emotional IQ as it does not affect me. Good Luck to you with your happiness assuming that is important to you.
Making a child is the most narcissistic thing one can do. People who have children are literally loving themselves more than they love anything else, the environment, the ever-shrinking green
space, other animals, the climate, and the rest of the overgrowing population of the earth. You are not superior just because you do the most basic thing any other living organism on this planet does. It’s a harsh truth u must accept. Deal with it.
Nice cringe take. Actually having children is the most SELFLESS thing a married couple could do. It’s literally how civilization sustains itself, Its how taxes are paid. Its how the elderly are cared for in their old age, brainlet. Western civilization, in the lead for its virtue signaling about climate and environmental concerns will CEASE TO EXIST. without children. The Civilization that YOU are currently benefitting from.
You sound like you regret your decision to have kids and I trying to convince the rest of us that you are happy with your decision. FAIL.
My kids as much as I love them, ruined a lot of my happiness. I was giving giving giving and missed out on a lot. So yes parenting does take your joy. Stop selling that whole rhetoric on rainbows and fairies parenting is not about that!!
This. This is the true reason having children is selfless and the complete opposite of narcissistic. Not because some stupid continuing the human race and saving the western world, but what you just said.
When you have kids everything you want has to take the backseat for what your children need. You are no longer an induvidual. You can’t really just go anywhere as you please or do what you wish. You always have your children to drag along and slave over. You give, give, and give.
I had kids and I’m not going to justify it to those that didn’t or don’t want to. Why? Because it’s f##king HARD! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done simply because it never stops. Sure I can catch a break by using a babysitter for a few hours or have grandma keep them over night here and there but otherwise IT NEVER STOPS. It’s a 24/7 job with no sick days or vacation time. Honestly if someone doesn’t want kids, they shouldn’t have them! A huge part of me misses the peace, quiet, and simple life I had before of being an individual. I love them, I don’t regret them, but somedays I wonder how life could be without kids…
Garbage. There are plenty of people who don’t want kids and are perfectly capable of loving people. I can tell you only wrote this comment to give yourself self worth and make it seem like you’re better than people who don’t want kids. Learn to accept other opinions and stop being a narcissist
This is why we are all doomed, you can’t define a master narrative for all, to claim that people who do not want children are people” who can only love themselves” shows that you have no understanding of how we function as humans, or the way love grows. There are many people who refused to birth a child and exposed them to our corrupted, cruel, frightening world. Having children is joyful, for sure, the experience of creating a tiny human is inconceivable, mesmerizing and yet having children can have a disastrous impact on the parents life, therefore causing traumatic experience on the children. The way of life is constantly evolving, creating endless ways to attained happiness, fulfillment, joy and satisfaction. The ancient master narrative that define marriage, family and children the way to attained a successful happy life, is evaporating and clearing the way we see things. Curiosity mindset is being promoted, perfect way to induce everyone to experience different ways to attained happiness leaving a trailed of endless possibilities. These difficult times we are living are scary, watching the news is heartbreaking, and has also created the “I DO NOT WANT KIDS” movement. There are many awful things going on in our world, I myself can’t answer if I did the right thing on having a child, I see my son the innocence in him, the happiness and joy, that yes it leaves in AWE but when I look forward to our future that can only promised uncertainties leaves me consumed in agony. Children are part of the ancient master narrative, Cheers to those who were able to look beyond themselves and our cultural, religious belief and have chosen not to have children. When you have kids your freedom is compromised, anything that you do has to be reasoned with “how will this affect and impact my
child” leaving you in hyper vigilant mode for the rest of your life.
Creating a life is magical, but you can create magic without creating a life.
I totally disagree
Nope When I hear about 10 year old children being raped in the Ukraine by Russian soldiers on the news, my first thought is ‘Thank God I didn’t bring children into this world.’ I wouldn’t bring a child into this disgusting situation on the planet where things like that happen. We’re overpopulated as it is and we don’t have the resources to handle it. Remaining childfree is the best decision I ever made – deal with that 🙂
Exactly! When my dad says, that’s life, and I say, I never asked for this, he says, Wow buddy, you need better coping skills. I’m like yea people just do things without thinking….
How can it be the best decision you made when you have never personally experienced what it’s like to have children? From my experience, having been married with and without children, You will never love another like you love your child. You would literally die for them. Obviously, I respect your decision and hope your don’t regret it when you get older.
I would literally die for my dog. You don’t have to have a human child to learn how to love unconditionally.
Don’t believe everything you hear on the news. There is a specific narrative and they are telling you exactly what they want you to believe. The Ghost of Kiev, Soldiers dying at Snake Island. There are many many more “stories” That have after investigation been proven to be lies. Where there is one lie there are many more. I have family in Ukraine. War is hell. Ukraine has been hell for the last 8 years with children and mothers dying in the Donbass and Lugansk republics. (Alley of angels in Ukraine, look it up it’s a thing.) What you didn’t know this? Where have you been the last 8 years? Could you find Ukraine on a map before 2022? Only now you care because you are told to by the news. They neglected to tell you for 8 whole years. Why is this? Mothers have and are losing their sons on both sides of this conflict whilst people complain about having had children. There was a diplomatic solution to this problem but that was not what the western powers wanted. So we have war which is what they wanted and Ukraine pays the price. The truth will prevail however. There is an information war and then there is the war of which you know nothing about as it is not on your doorstep. I have had my own child die in my arms. To those who complain about their living children I would never expect you to dry my tears. Only a human with feelings could do that. Only a person with a functioning brain as well as a heart could see through the lies we are told. But you have to be able to unblind yourself. It is not my job to teach you. You won’t find it on the mainstream news. You must seek it for yourself. Google won’t work. Find your humanity. It is not lost. We have enough for everyone. But once again they don’t want you to believe this. Why? Because We have given control of our lives and our resources to psychopaths. I grew up severely neglected and abused. I stopped the cycle. I raised 5 children of my own and 2 more who needed a home with every breath in my body and all the love I could muster. (Animals wild and domestic found rescue and home with me as well as I am vegan) All my children are contributing successful and happy members of society. All because I believe deep down there is the possibility that there is still some good in the world. My childhood was not good but I could give my children something better than what I had. My children are doing good not just for themselves but for others. It was never about me. That’s the point. This is THE legacy. Not “my” legacy. The one that gets passed down and touches the world. It’s called love. Love is selfless not selfish. For everyone and everything. Babies, animals, grannies, the differently abled. Those who don’t look or sound like you or live where you live. That’s the trick to this game. Learn the lesson. Whether you have children or not this is your task. You better hope someone somewhere is trying like hell to make things better in the lives of children. They will grow up to be your doctor, surgeon, nursing home aide, hospice worker, mortician.
I have an autistic one, you want him? Because I sure as sh*t dont.
Woah. I appreciate that honesty. A severely disabled child– I just can’t imagine how difficult.
It’s hell, then the autists have the nerve to complain that we aren’t ~happy~ raising a feral goblin instead of the normal kid we actually wanted.
Then why did you choose to have kids in the first place?
Because it would be a laugh?
By the way, autism is largely hereditary, so you can thank yourself / partner for how your kid turned out.
Lol, whatever.
One in 26 boys born today in Minnesota will be autistic. It was one in 10,000 years ago before the childhood vaccination schedule exploded to 72 doses by age 18. There is no genetic explosion or epidemic possible. Ask any scientist worth their salt it doesn’t happen like that. Autism is t he real pandemic. You can thank your government for it as they are in charge of our food and our medical establishments and education institutions. It’s not the genes of the parents. Children’s brains are being blown by autism. Would it make us feel more desperate to prevent it if their brains were Blown by a gun? Largely hereditary? Where do you get your information from? Wow there must be a lot of autistic parents having autistic children. (Heavy sarcasm) Our child health outcomes across the board in the US are behind Costa Rica’s. Why is that? Our children are unhealthy. What are we doing wrong? Who is in charge of what we are doing? Is this acceptable? Hard questions that need answering.
“It’s not the genes of the parents… Largely hereditary? Where do you get your information from? ”
September 6, 2019
A new study looking at autism in 5 countries found that 80 percent of autism risk can be traced to inherited genes rather than environmental factors and random mutations.
The study, published July 18 in JAMA Psychiatry, analyzed data of nearly 2 million people across Denmark, Finland, Sweden, Israel, and Western Australia. It is the largest family-based genetic autism study to date, including children with autism, their siblings and cousins, as well as parents and their siblings.
“We expanded on previous results by including more family members and data from countries that vary widely in their autism health systems,” said Joseph Buxbaum, M.D., one of the study authors and professor of psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mt. Sinai Medical Center. “We found that the strongest contributors to risk of autism are from inherited genes. Spontaneous genetic changes and other factors that we could not estimate are additional contributors to risk of autism.”
– https://www.autismspeaks.org/science-news/autism-genetic-study-finds-80-risk-inherited-genes
“Children’s brains are being blown by autism. Would it make us feel more desperate to prevent it if their brains were Blown by a gun?”
I guess you’re based in the US? Where do YOU get your info from??
I recovered my autistic son. We were told he would never go to regular school. He graduated summa cum laude with a double major and is now in grad school. The doctors answer to this? Perhaps he wasn’t autistic in the first place? Yeah right they should have been living my life. No sleep for 7 years. Straight. A child who stopped answering to his name. Who stopped speaking words he had learned and screamed at the slightest touch? There are no guarantees in this life and no guarantee the experts know everything. If your son is young there is hope for better days. Even if he is not young there still is hope for improvement. My son is living proof. Dig. Reach. Go outside the lines and outside the box. Don’t like his teacher his pediatrician or his specialist? Fire them. Find better ones. Go alternative. Homeopathy, special diets, chiropractors, throw the kitchen sink at it. It will take everything you’ve got. It will be hard. But it’s hard already. There was no guarantee for your parents that you would be “normal”. These are your cards you have been dealt. It sucks. I’ve been there. Keep trying your best for your son.
I do too! My has Aspergers and when I tell you it will make you rethink parenting, your whole life and existence, it will! Everyday I’m like, “Why did I do this to myself???”. I’m a single parent raising a child on the spectrum. I get called a horrible parent, told I’m gonna get pushed off a building, you name it, all on a daily basis. I used to be like, “People who have out of control kids need to get them in line, etc, etc”. Well, i got my reality check REAL fast! Not everyone has these wonderful parenting experience, and not everyone is being a “bad parent” and teaching their kids to be little maniacs. Having kids is literally a gamble, you don’t know what you are actually going to get. If I had truly understood that, as my son would say, I would have made “better parenting choices” and opted out.
Let’s say yes, they’re selfish for not wanting kids.
Doesn’t that mean it’s best for everyone that they don’t have kids then?
I sure wish I was smart enough to have been selfish, all this sacrifice has caused me is grief and a wasted life. If I was selfish it would have been easier and much, much happier.
Seems like the selfish ones are the smartest ones.
The ones who would be the best parents are too smart to have children, that figures.
Well put Ryan! I’m on the same thought process and I’m a mother!
The so called “selfish” ones are REALLY living the best life. Not going to argue there. Go child free people!! I envy you and respect your decisions cause I know a lot of thought goes into being child free than having kids! I cheer for all my child free friends! I love their lifestyle!
Some of us just find better more exciting things to do with our lives.
Some people just have kids thinking it will fill a gap in their boring life.
Bet your kids spend all day creating Tiktoks because you can’t be bothered to do anything with them.
Or you know..they just dont want children because they r not self centered assholes who bring life into overpopulated world filled with pain and violence and survival “just cause i want something to looove1!!1”
and want to spread their genes. Want to proove you really can love go on and adopt instead of overpopulating again with your mediocre genes.
Oh dear.
It is precisely for the reason that I’m STILL learning to love myself that I choose NOT to have children!
Reading your comment, I can’t help but be curious about whether you are a parent yourself, and if so, whether your harsh language and tone is something that you inflict on your kid(s) – even down to the choice of username.
Do YOU love yourself? Or even like yourself? Because it doesn’t sound like you do.
I would also ask why it is so important to you that people accept YOUR “truth” – because you don’t speak for me or everyone else. What do you teach your kid(s) about empathy, compassion and respecting others if you can’t be bothered to practice these yourself? Or does hiding behind a questionable username automatically excuse you from that?
You assume I see it as a “harsh” truth that I can’t love anyone as much as myself. I don’t. It’s the truth and I’m absolutely fine with it. I give love to people every day in the form of charity to a homeless man, one-on-one mentoring to an up and coming producer in my field, checking in with my mother-in-law, making my husband a cup of coffee or getting up early to put gas in his car. But would I knowingly enter into a situation that would force me to sacrifice my free time and my peace? Absolutely not. You’re right! I love myself too much. And if more people were honest with themselves and said the same, we’d end up with far fewer cases of child neglect and child abuse.
It is unethical to have children. You don’t know how they will suffer.
Something that is overlooked in our society is how many young people who have children are out there completely alone. Women are expected to happily, do it all. It is NOT possible. The statement “It takes a community to raise a child” is absolute truth!! But in our world families are expected to manage alone, which is tough on a two parent family let alone a single parent. I think your reasearch might show a correlation with how much family/friend/community support a family has to their happiness! I believe we need to foster small towns/small communities/small education systems. Not quite “communes” but small worlds where we know and interact with our neighbors, we know who is educating our children, and families live nearby.
Spot on
All of the references in this article are extremely old. I might have glossed over some but I don’t recall a single reference from the 2000s. People change as time progresses. It’s almost irrelevant to even read. But as a marketer myself here I am. And just as I am a marketer I appreciate valuable feedback. So I hope PP takes it!
Citations from 2009: “Because as emotionally taxing as having children may be, it has also proven to be a great source – if not the most powerful source – of life satisfaction, self-esteem and meaning, especially for women” (Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., Moum, T., 2009), even though men are a lot more likely to view childlessness as disadvantageous (Blake, J., 1979,).
And Raj’s book was published in 2016